I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
