This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
