chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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