he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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