you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
