I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
