i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
