I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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