the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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