I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
