did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
