i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
