Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
