Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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