So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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