Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
