Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
