Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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