I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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