The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
