the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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