saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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