I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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