Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
