what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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