I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
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On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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