i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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