The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
