So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
