I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
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Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
