you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're like the curious george of whores
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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