Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
