my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
