did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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