you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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