everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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