i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
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Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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