If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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