I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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