The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
