My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
