How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
