The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
