hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
