I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
