bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She announced her abortion via fbk
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
