ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
