im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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