people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
