Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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