I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
