Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
