you would pick up someone in the library
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
