i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
