I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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