life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
