A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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