T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
