I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize