one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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