I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
