He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
